Tomorrow, be good to me.

http://myfragilebinding-recovery.tumblr.com
http://myfragilebinding-recovery.tumblr.com
http://myfragilebinding-recovery.tumblr.com

Tomorrow morning I leave for the clinic where I’ll be staying long-term, so I thought I’d start fresh with a new blog.

It would be lovely if you’d go follow it :3 

TMI or whatever, but I only take a dump about once a week. And then it’s either with lax (or broccoli and coffee, don’t ask) or it’s. Difficult.

During the day I either eat little bits of shit food, all sugar and junk with the occasional fruit (more sugar) and veggies if I can.

If I do eat something with some decent energy, complex carbs or protein, I end up purging it anyways.

The smoking doesn’t help either. I eat, sometimes binge, purge, then smoke. And at first I feel lightheaded and it feels wonderful, but then right after I just feel sick and I have no energy.

And I just spend most of my day laying in bed or trying to actually do something and my body is just exhausted and sick.

When I get in the clinic, I’m going to really try to eat healthier. If I don’t eat enough (I don’t think I will, at least not at first, unless they really control it) I’m going to at least worry about what I’m putting into my body other than just the calorie number.

I don’t want to know how many nutrient deficiencies I have right now and how badly they’re fucking with me.

I’m not sure how much time I have, could be just a few hours before I leave…

Anyways, I’m about to go inpatient for bulimia and borderline personality disorder. I’m going to an adult psychiatric ward, if that helps. So they treat eating disorders, some mental disorders (depression- type things), and addictive-type disorders (alcoholism, drug abuse..). I know that all sounded very medically correct ;)

ANYWAYS. Can someone give me an idea of what the food will be like? My BMI is slightly overweight, and I really don’t want to gain just because I do want to be healthy. I’ve been vegan since new year’s, even though I’ve kind of failed that, but I’ve been on and off vegetarian for years and really don’t like the idea of eating meat. When I was in a youth psychiatry ward for a week I had the option to be vegetarian. Will I have that choice? What if I really can’t stomach a certain food- I haven’t been able to eat seafood without gagging, ever, even as a little kid- will I be forced to eat it as part of recovery?

Thanks for the answers and support guys(:

Probably tonight, possibly in the morning.

I’m going to try to update here, when I have internet access.

Thanks to everyone who’s sent me messages and been really supportive(:

Uh, today was…. shmeh. Not so good. I’ve had worse, but I’ve had a lot better too.

I woke up and a few hours later ended up completely binging/purging. But I saw that one coming.
Around lunch I had a can of pineapple (200).
Dinner was a salad of corn (191), corn salad (31), and salsa (90).
And during the day I had a few bits of whatever, I had a pretzel and chocolate bar and purged most of it, but altogether probably (300). 
I’m also drinking diet coke and sugar free redbulls, so there’s I don’t know how many random little calories there.
= under 850ish…
Then in the evening I completely wrecked it. I don’t even know. Hopefully I won’t gain though. 

I had to run some errands for my mom and that was alright, but I kept feeling like I was going to run into someone I knew and then not know how much they know about me and the last week, and I was a bit anxious about that.

It sounds bad, but luckily two of my sisters were sick, so I didn’t have to go to my grandma’s for lunch. I know that as soon as she gets me alone she’s going to want to talk to me and I really don’t want to and every time I think about that I start mini-panicking.

My mom had an appointment with a school councilor today. I don’t have to repeat the 11th grade or anything and I don’t have to worry about any more exams this year, which is a nice burden lifted. I just have to hope that treatment doesn’t take so long that I miss too much of the 12th grade. I won’t hurry through it or anything, but I really hope it doesn’t take that long.

My grandma actually took her to the appointment and I drove with so I could go into the city one more time and buy some redbull cheap and whatnot, and just seeing her (my grandma) coming out of the car to get me while I was waiting outside my mom’s work made me panic. There’s no way I could’ve stayed at her house until I get into the next clinic.

Now I’m just tired. There’s no better word for it. Tired.

I tried having a ‘normal’ dinner with my mom and siblings, had too much bread, but if I’d gone out she’d have known for sure since I’d just gotten back from a long walk.

So I used a metal bucket, turned my music on, and… yea.

It’s not something I should be proud of, but I really covered everything to make sure I wouldn’t get caught. I felt… clever.

Now I just have to wait to go dump out the bucket. If I dump it out the window someone might see and it’ll land on the neighbor’s path to their garbage cans. So it’s just sitting on the sill until later.

This is really bad. My eighth grade health teacher told us a story about a bulimic girl who’d purged into jars in her room, but I’ve never gone that far before.

I hope the clinic calls soon.

Welp, I got back from the clinic (and before that, hospital) today.

Yea, that’s another story. I’ll post it when I get the chance. I’ve been catching up on tumblr and typing messages and explanations and everything all day.

Anyways, today. Hm.

I’d ended up right at 999 calories, which I didn’t like but I averaged around 750 at the clinic every day and lost some, so I gave myself a free day. I went rollerblading with my mom too, so I got a nice bit of exercise in there.

Then I (mini) binged and purged.
Then I let myself  have an ice cream that was 90 calories and had gummie bears in it. And I ate it alright and didn’t feel like purging it too badly. I’d gotten up a good bit of food from earlier, so I kind of figured the calories evened out.

I was doing well and the night was looking good when I binged/purged again. Shmeh.

Oh, both of these were mini binges. It wasn’t a true 3000+ calorie binge, but probably closer to 1000-1500.

I did find out that I most likely have borderline personality disorder. I’ve always known that I’ve had, not clinical depression because the symptoms aren’t quite right and I haven’t been tested/diagnosed, but some other disorder, aside from my ED. And during my exit evaluation at the clinic today I saw a footnote telling the doctors at the next clinic I’d be going to to either evaluate me or giving them a heads up that I have some sort of depression or disorder, but borderline-type. I was trying to read fancy medical stuff in German upside down here :P

Anyways, I had a nice plan for tomorrow but now I have to go to my grandma’s for lunch, so we’ll see. Depending on how I weigh in tomorrow, I really want to get under 70 kg before I go to this other clinic.

• I’ll probably sleep through breakfast. If I’m up early, I’ll binge/purge. We have so much nice food, I can’t hold it in much longer. And my siblings will be at school and my mom at work, so I’ll have the house to myself.
• Lunch is with my grandma. I just have to keep that as low as possible. Preferably under 300, depending on what she makes. I don’t want to go at all, but I can’t think of an excuse as to why not because they’re driving me into the city later anyways…
• I have a salad of corn (191), corn salad (31), and salsa (90) =313 for dinner, and I’ll just try to save it for as late as possible so I have something to munch on a little later.

Basically I’m going to aim for 500 cal each day, and never go over 750. Diet coke and cigarettes will help with that. I have almost a whole pack of my favorite marlboros left and I want to finish them before I go to the other clinic and then I’m going to stop smoking. I don’t want to it to get… bad o.o

Alright, I’ll update later. Just, yea. Lots going on. 

I’m not even sure where to start…

Calories. I brought steamed tofu (286) with soy sauce (5) and leek (15) and cola lite (15) with me. I did a good job staying away from the city food, I had a few sips of a latte (11) but threw most of it away.

Then I found a bubble tea place, which I haven’t seen since before I moved, and caved and downed one (350)… Then got another for tomorrow »

At home I chewed and spit but still ended up having some garlic bread (170), noodles (40), sugar rocks (50), and banana (55).

=997

On the bright side, I spent all day walking and didn’t binge, purge, or cut.

Tomorrow I’m just bringing the tea and a jar of baby food to school.

I woke up two hours earlier than necessary on my day off to make food (that I’m only going to end up throwing away) while you’re getting ready on the off chance you might ask why the hell I’m doing that.

I didn’t even try to put on a normal face or talk with any emotion.

I asked if the supermarket opens at seven- why the hell I’d want to go to the supermarket at seven a.m. when I’m going to be out with friends all day (or so you think) is a good question.

I ended up just coming up to you and asking about the money. Yea, I’m sure you’ll think about that one. Because when I was telling you what happened to my computer earlier, the part where I backed everything up didn’t tip you off to the fact that yes, I did buy a backup drive when I said I was going to.

That was all for today, because I’m about to go out ‘with friends’ all day and I have enough money for food or yarn, but not both. And a little more would be nice.

Fuck, you have no idea. You don’t notice when something’s not right or I’m acting funny. Until I straight up ask you to do something for me, then it’s an issue.
I just want you to notice me. To want to do something for me or help me because you want to help, not because I have to come crawling to you asking for it.

Aside from any of that, every morning before you leave for work I hear you going around to all the others’ rooms and saying your goodbyes and Iloveyous. But you never even say bye to me. I sat out in the living room this morning, waiting for you to say something. And when you were done saying bye to the others, you told me, “Well, behave. We’ll talk when you get home.”

I don’t cry anymore. I did, for a little. Now I just cut.